black beauty and the boy

Do you know if black beauty was male or female?  I have no idea, but the black beauty that I know and who I hung out with while I was at home a month ago, is very much a massive, beautiful, manly horse.  I have mentioned him, and the sweet boy I was with, in my writing before.  I am a bit obsessed with the two.  My camera will happily tell you of the 2000 or more photos I have subjected it to on these subjects.  Both black beauty and the boy act like little kids and are the cutest things I have seen in a long time. 

Black beauty, or ‘Merlin’ as everyone else calls him, has a wild, black mane which hangs, tangled with a hint of dreadlock, down over his black eyes.  He is a giant; but mostly all he wants to do is eat and cuddle.  If it were physically possible he would curl up onto your lap and nuzzle his nose under your arm, looking up at you with his gentle, sweet eyes and he’d be happy.

The boy calls him “merwin” and, along with making clickety-clack noises (which he learned from his pa) he repeats the name over and over and over and over.  Until you show him a picture of a horse.  Really, all day long he will make the horse galloping noises…insanely cute until you want him to stop.

On the Saturday before I flew back to Germany, my brother and jai put the boy onto one of their horses for the first time.  We were all gathered at my dad’s for his birthday, in the beautiful, rolling foothills of the Rockies and there sat the boy on a real live horse, with the biggest grin on his face.  Stepmum led cal (merlin’s smaller buddy), while my bro held onto the boy, and they walked around and around and around.  Cal could not hide his boredom, and was not quite as taken with the event as all the adults gathered around snapping photos.

Someday, I can imagine my bro and the boy, out for a ride together through the fields and bushes; maybe on merwin, maybe not.  But, some black beauty I’m sure it will be.  The boy has some horsey love in his blood that’s for sure…like pa, like son. I hope he never stops making those horsey noises, but I guess it won’t make him the most popular kid when he hits school. I, for one, could only handle hearing him making those sounds, oh I think, every single day. Clickety-clack, clickety-clack.

Here, a quote I hope to live by (with God’s grace)…or at least try to:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
~Rainer Maria Rilke

P.S. I sure will miss the fact that Danielle won’t be responding to this quote…which, if she were still alive, she would’ve done.  I miss you girl.  Danielle Oberle (1967-2012)

Dear Danielle,

Dear Danielle,

one of the best decisions I’ve made is to come back home to visit you. 

That first morning, as I walked out of the hospice doors, into the bright, fall sunshine, I said “Thank you God”.  Those almost 2 hours, spent laughing, talking and crying with you were worth more than anything.  I was so glad that I had come. 

The time spent sitting by your bed; your voice and spirit as strong as ever…unchanging and wonderful, with your big-ass painting that you just bought staring at us, I loved hearing more about your life and your experiences.  So many excellent adventures…living in a London hostel for a year while working in a cool pub; moving to Montreal to brush up your French skills; training and travelling to run in half marathons or were they full? And, taking advantage of new career opportunities to challenge yourself and to learn.  You inspire me to keep doing and trying new things.  Stretch, learn, try.   Why not? 

Two years ago we were both standing before new, exciting adventures.  You were ready to move to Asia and I to Germany…well, maybe ‘ready’ is a stretch.  We talked a lot about our fears, our excitement, our worries; we supported and encouraged each other and then…then you received the shocking news.  I went, you had to stay.

And now, since your email in August, telling me the docs think you have little time left, I have been consumed with thoughts of you.  How does one process that kind of information?  I have been going over and over in my mind the thought:  Why do we wait until someone’s funeral to talk about why they are special to us? What they mean to us? And, how they are touching our lives?  I think there should be a global revolution to change this.  I really do. 

You are a treasured friend to me and, I know, to many others.  Your strength and fight and fearlessness in doing has inspired me since we met over ten years ago.  You don’t hold back; you say what you think and you work hard; whether in your job, in your treatment, in your play or in your house renos.  You keep going and doing and you get things done.  Of course, you create some shit along the way, with your no-holding-back ‘tude.  But, that’s who you are and the fact that you apologize when you need to and not when you don’t need to…I think that’s strength and perseverance and being true to yourself.  I honestly wish I was more like that.

We have always connected over coffee or drinks…bonding over the crazies who we used to work with and the crazies who we call family.  Especially our mothers.  For a while there I was convinced we had the same one, until mine died.  Then it was obvious that they were not the same woman.  I remember so many great, long talks.  Thank you for those, and for these latest ones.

Moments from a visit:

Laughing with you about your new, blinged out style…your new Michael Kors watch, iphone 5, Coach bag and how fab you feel walking down the hall with your new, fun things.  Love it.

Telling me how you are basically forcing your family to deal with all the issues that have plagued you all for 25 years; not pulling any punches, having no patience, but making sure that your fam members heal and become better people.  You care.  You’re strong.

Talking about the great things at this time; how blessed you feel for…excellent sister time which you three have never had before this summer; your brother coming and hanging out, taking care of you; and your treasured, strong friends who are doing all for you.

I love talking with you.  And your emails of support which you regularly sent, since I moved from Calgary five years ago; whenever you thought I sounded lonely or sad or frustrated helped me to think more positively and to try harder.

Thank you for being a steadfast and true friend to me, girl.  I appreciate you very much in my life and I wish so much that you could stay longer.

I love you,

Nina