running to goethe

I have been running towards Goethe. Through the dark woods, on soft gravel, along lanes of fluffy, cherry blossoms, through the rustling of leftover leaves, on a high hill overlooking the wide, lazily flowing river, lastly past the massive, gothic cathedral. And there he is. Goethe.

Huffing and puffing, I stop. A landing place. A place of rest. Simple, strong, quiet. I imagine him here, writing, drawing.

Goethe is ubiquitous here. He’s like Germany’s golden boy. A scholar, a poet, an author, a lawyer. Statues in his honour, streets and town squares bear his name. And, writely so. He seems to have been brilliant, but a little strange. Women liked him, and he fell in love a few times, but he didn’t like formal commitment. He was described, by the fiancé of one of the women he loved, as being bizarre, but that he had a kind of genius which children and women found fascinating. He did what he wanted, felt no need to conform or to follow trends, and he wasn’t too concerned with what others thought about him. He also hated pressure; from his father, from society, or from women. Sounds like one or two German men I know.

I’m fortunate to recieve daily quotes, compiled and sent from the desk of my favorite octogenarian. They lie in a folder called „John’s Jems“, which seriously must have over 500 entries. Recently, one of those gems included the words…“More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin. What you can do or dream you can do, begin it; boldness has genius and power and magic in it.“ [Johann von Goethe]

The words hit me, like some words do, sometimes good and sometimes bad. What you can do or dream you can do. Begin it. Be bold. Try. Just do it…okay, that’s Nike, but still it‘s inspiring. Now what to apply it to? New work, current relationship, old dreams? Be courageous.

And now, it is coming on Easter. I really want to be around family, and it doesn’t even need to be mine! My nephew turned one, far far away. He talked to me on the phone, kept spurting out enthusiastic „HI’s“. Heart-breakingly cute. My brother sounds so proud to be this little guy’s dad. There’s nothing more courageous than choosing to be a parent.

Personal note: It has been a hard go of late, I won’t lie. I write a lot but feel like nothing is quite interesting enough to post. My cousin's husband committed suicide at home, a few weeks ago. She says it's the worst time of her life, and yet she still invited us for Easter - how incredibly kind of her. I can't imagine the horror, the despair, the sadness, the anger. I think a lot about that family. I want to hang out with my brother so badly I cry. And somehow it feels like in my everyday, all which I do, say, feel, seems to be wrong. I’m not sure what or where the future is for me, and at this point in my life, I had really hoped this would be clearer. If you are reading this, then you must be a friend and I thank you. I think of you each day, knowing that I want so desperately to talk, but not really knowing what to say. Thanks for staying tuned. I’m continuing to write to you, for me. And, I’m going to keep on running…

what i know

My writing prof at NYU said, „if you want to be a writer the 2 most important things you can do are, 1) write, write, write, and 2) write what you know.“ With a week like this one, I have been struggling to write. My head is a-jumble with too much stuff which I need to sort through and slot into past, present, future. All in all, it’s good stuff. But, it’s a lot. And so, today, with my self-imposed blogging deadline long gone, and knowing that I need to write, write, write, I channeled Oprah and asked myself, „what do I know for sure?“

Well, with about a hundred things knocking around in my head and heart, all vying for importance, but knowing that much of it isn’t important, what I know is that in this state I make mistakes. I don’t sleep well, I get frustrated easily, and I don’t pay close attention.

This became glaringly obvious yesterday, when I asked great guy if he had recieved the text which I had sent him in the morning. I had become very upset, yet again, with one of my current bosses, and instead of just standing there silently while he yelled at me for making a mistake, I actually stood up to him and responded. Anyways, I was so frustrated that I quickly sent great guy a text telling him that I almost quit and that I’m „no longer going to take this shit anymore“. Well, great guy didn’t get the text. I had sent it to said boss. Ooopsy.

The good news is that he was very nice to me for the rest of the day...and I didn’t get fired. Maybe that’s still coming, which I don’t even care about at this point, since I currently have too many jobs.

What I also know is that living with a lifetime smoker who has not smoked since Monday morning is a) totally amazing and I’m super-duper proud of him, and b) a little bit stressful. On the one hand, it’s so cute hearing him munching away on carrots and pistachios, like there’s a big bunny sitting in the kitchen, but on the other hand he’s a little bit grumpy. Okay, he’s very grumpy. Unfortunately, he is not yet feeling any positive effects of not-smoking...all the positives which I kept saying he would feel. Crap, they better come soon or else the bunny will soon be puffing again, instead of crunching.

And, I know that the coolest thing I have seen this week is a field full of swans, just outside of town, grazing on newly-growing salad. Yes, a FIELD full of swans. Have you ever seen a bunch of swans? I hadn’t. They are huge, beautiful, very white birds...and dotting a bright green field it looks completely amazing.

Life is good. Life is funny. Not always ha-ha funny, but funny all the same (as my old friend used to say). I know that I am grateful for most of the jumble that’s in my head...the opportunities and experiences and people that are creating it. And, I know that I am not alone in sorting it all out. It’s all good. And smoke-free!